


To Show I Love You

by NieNieDoULoveMe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Another fic I wrote at 4 am, Bokuaka - Freeform, Character Death, Denial, Heavy Angst, Letters, M/M, Moving On, Osaaka, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Hatred, Tags Contain Spoilers, kurotsuki crumbs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25561891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NieNieDoULoveMe/pseuds/NieNieDoULoveMe
Summary: Akaashi Keiji has different ways of showing Bokuto how much he loves him.Writing happens to be one of those ways.But after their relationship ended, he was unable to revert back to his ways before.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji & Miya Osamu, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu
Comments: 5
Kudos: 53





	To Show I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! If you’re reading this then it’s just a note~
> 
> /—————/ Means either the start or end of a letter
> 
> Italics is the letter itself
> 
> And the line is a different day (aka. Time skip!)

Akaashi Keiji has different ways of showing Bokuto how much he loves him. 

Whether it be reading beside each other or cuddling close whenever they watch a movie, whether it be feather light kisses or passionate kisses. But what both Keiji and Bokuto loved the most was Keiji’s specialty, writing. 

Bokuto loved the little letters Keiji would write for him. A simple “Good Morning” written on a post it was enough to brighten up his day. 

But after their relationship ended, he was unable to revert back to his ways before. 

He still leaves the mushrooms on the side of his plate, waiting for a pair of chopsticks to steal them. 

He still leaves the other side of the bed open, in case a pair of strong arms want to wrap around his delicate waist. 

He still writes. He writes letters that will never be sent, he writes letters for someone who would never come back. 

It was three years after their fight, three years after their breakup, three years since he last saw Bokuto’s face. 

If he’d known one simple fight would end whatever relationship they had, he would have lowered down his pride and admitted to a fault that wasn’t his. 

Whenever the guilt was eating at Keiji and he wanted someone to talk to, he did it freely on a sheet of paper. 

/—————/

_ 3/26/2017 _

_ Dear Bokuto, _

_ I’ve gotten a bit more sleep today than I did last week! 5 hours to be exact. I know you’d be proud. You always hated when I didn’t sleep enough. I still remember how you used to drag me to bed and cuddle with me until I actually fell asleep.  _

_ While you aren’t here doing it with me, I feel like your presence is still there.  _

_ I still can’t forgive myself for what happened between us, how we ended on such horrible terms.  _

_ Three years.  _

_ Three years and my feelings for you still won’t disappear, not like I would let it.  _

_ Hopefully by my next letter I’d get a full 8 hours of sleep. _

_ -Keiji _

_ /—————/ _

He placed the letter in an envelope and sealed it, dragging out a box from under his bed. 

This box contained many of his letters, post its with good mornings and I love yous, and a few poems. 

He gently dropped the letter onto the pile and slid the box back under his bed. 

Another letter. 

Another letter to be hidden away in a box under his bed. 

Another letter that Keiji would not be able to send.   
  


* * *

  
/—————/

_ 4/31/2018 _

_ Dear Bokuto, _

_ Guess what! I got 8 hours of sleep today!  _

_ I wish you would be here right now. You’d definitely be really happy for me and I would be too after hearing your ‘Hey Hey Hey!’  _

_ God, I’d give anything in the world to hear you say that again.  _

_ Anyways, that’s all I really wanted to talk to you about. I just thought you should know since you were always the one pushing me to sleep early.  _

_ -Keiji _

/—————/

While there were days when Keiji would feel restless, there were times when he did fall asleep. But a full 8 hours were difficult. 

Nightmares never stopped, breakdowns never stopped, insomnia never stopped. 

Whenever a full eight hour sleep happened, Keiji made sure to write it to Bokuto. It gave him a sense of worth, that someone was still caring. 

Once the letter has been written, Keiji placed it in an envelope and once again dropped it into the box of letters. 

The amount of letters doubled in numbers in the past year but what could Keiji do? 

This was the only way he knew to keep speaking to Bokuto. 

* * *

  
Word had spread about Kuroo and Tsukishima’s engagement. 

Well, it was mostly just a rumor. 

Keiji didn’t let it bother him until a certain letter made its way to Keiji’s mail box. 

Most of the mail Keiji received were bills but the one that struck out the most was a letter with Kuroo and Tsukishima’s name written as the senders. 

He opened it and his eyes widened when he realized what it was. 

It was an invitation. 

A wedding invitation. 

He immediately pulled his phone out and pressed a contact all too familiar. 

“Hey Keij-“

“Oh my god!” Keiji cut Tsukishima off before he could finish. “Congratulations!”

Keiji heard the soft laugh of Tsukishima. “You just received the invitation now?”

“Yeah! Why? When did it happen?”

“We sent them out a week ago.” Tsukishima laughed from the other side of the phone. “Anyways, we’ve been waiting for your call.”

Keiji could hear Tsukishima calling Kuroo, then a bit of flirting before Kuroo’s voice made its appearance. 

“Hey Keiji,”

“Hey, what’s up?” 

“Uhh, well, me and Kei were wondering.” There was a slight pause on the phone. “If you’d like to be our best man.”

“Me?” Keiji paused, reeling the information in. “Not to be rude or anything but… shouldn’t the best man be someone like your best friend or someone you’re close to?”

“Uhh, yeah I thought you’d say that.” There was another pause. “Well, in all honestly I wanted HIM to be the one, but well, you’re the closest we have to him.”

Keiji already knows who Kuroo meant by HIM, Kuroo never bothered to use his name when talking to Keiji, he didn’t know whether it was for his own sake or if he was doing it for Keiji. 

“You want me to do it… In his place?” Keiji asks in disbelief. When a ‘yes’ rang through the phone, Keiji smiled. 

“I’d be honored.”

  
  


/—————/

_ 6/25/2018 _

_ Apparently the rumors of Tsukishima and Kuroo’s engagement were real.  _

_ Anyways, I was invited to their wedding. Specifically, as their best man.  _

_ They wanted it to be you but… You won’t be able to come.  _

_ January 18, 2019.  _

_ That’s the date,  _

_ Why am I even telling you, it’s not like you’d be there. I doubt you’d want to see me after all the things I’ve said that night. _

_ -Keiji  _

/—————/

The letter was folded like all the others and placed in an envelope. 

One more letter for the pile. 

He dropped it into the box, which once was once again sent back under the bed after fulfilling its duty. 

* * *

  
The wedding would be in a couple of weeks, and yet, Keiji was barely even ready for it. 

He hadn’t gotten the two a gift, much less a tuxedo. 

He had to go out and buy one. 

Keiji was about to get dressed when a ding echoed from the table where his phone lay. 

**Sugawara Koushi**

_ “Keiji! I know you haven’t gone shopping for a tux yet! Meet me, Kenma, Yaku and Nishinoya at the mall tomorrow!” _

Keiji smiled. 

“Even in times like these you’re still protecting me, huh?” Keiji smiled, laying back in bed and typing a response to the silver haired. 

**Akaashi Keiji**

_ “I’ll be there.” _

Another ding echoed from his hand. 

**Sugawara Koushi**

_ “Meet up point! 12 pm at the cinema!” _

He didn’t have work or school today, this was probably a sign that he should be doing something important. 

That night, he was able to get another full night of sleep. 

The next day, Keiji left the flat and made his way to the cinema where they agreed to meet.

When he found those familiar faces, he waved, followed by them waving back. 

They went to a shop and started looking at different tuxedos, laughing when Nishinoya’s small frame was sent to shop in the teens section. 

While there was an obvious annoyance with Nishinoya, he still managed to let out a laugh. 

At the end of the day, Keiji managed to pick out a black tux with a white polo and gray tie. He bought plain black leather shoes and he bought a bottle of wine and placed an order for customized watches as a gift. 

He also eyed a pair of owl keychains. It was a heart shaped keychain but if they are separated, they turn into two owls.

Keiji bought them without hesitation. 

When he got home, he placed the gift and tuxedo in his closet and made his way to his work table. 

He took out a paper and pen and started writing. 

/——— ——/

_ 12/18/2018 _

_ Dear Koutarou, _

_ I went out to buy a tuxedo today. Sugawara, Kenma, Yaku and Nishinoya went shopping with me too.  _

_ While I was at the mall I saw this little keychain pair. The one couples like to match with.  _

_ It was two owls. _

_ I remember how much you used to love owls, calling yourself a Horned Owl every so often _

_ As much as I would like to give it to you it isn’t possible.  _

_ So I’m leaving it in the envelope with this letter.  _

_ Anyways, did you know, Shouyou will be coming back in a few weeks? He’s all the way in Brazil so I can’t believe he’d come back.  _

_ See you in my next letter! _

_ -Keiji  _

/—————/

He took out one part of the keychain from its plastic wrapper and placed it in an envelope, followed by the letter. 

He took the other part of the keychain and attached it with the keys to his apartment. 

The envelope was then placed with the rest, laying under his bed, waiting to be sent. 

* * *

  
The wedding went well. It was a beach wedding held at sunset. Apparently, they wanted it to be at the night of a full moon. 

Keiji was able to give his Best Man speech and is currently having dinner with the two grooms and the rest of the party. 

Throughout the night he stayed in the same position, but as Tetsurou and Kei led the floor with their dance as a married couple, Keiji became restless and uneasy. 

He wondered what it would be like dancing like that. Happy and freely with the one you love. 

He didn’t know when but his feet were suddenly moving on it’s own and heading towards the beach. 

He sat down on the beach chairs, looking up at the stars. 

He had hoped that his star was among one of the beautiful balls of light that filled the sky. 

He didn’t hear the footsteps coming from behind him until a familiar presence took a seat on the chair beside him. 

“Hey mister best man.” 

“Hello, Osamu.” Keiji says, not bothering to look at the gray haired. “What’re you doing here?”

“Eh, I saw you walk out and figured why not follow you?” He could see Osamu shrug from the corner of his eye. 

“Don’t you have a date?” Keiji asks, looking at the other. 

“Nope, my brother came with his date and left me at the table.” Osamu huffs, leaning back a bit. “What about you? I doubt someone pretty as you came alone.”

“Nope, as alone as you.”

“Well, care to come back there with a date?”

With a smirk, Keiji speaks. “My my Miya, it sounds like you’re flirting with me.”

“And what if I am?” Osamu puts on a smirk, which catches Keiji off guard. “Care to join me?”

I mean, one free night won’t hurt. 

“Gladly.”

/—————/

_ 1/19/2019 _

_ Dear Bokuto, _

_ The wedding was great, though it seems incomplete without you. Maybe it was just me but I kept waiting for that ‘Hey Hey Hey’ you used to say.  _

_ They had a beach wedding under the stars. Apparently they wanted it to be a wedding in the moonlight. Get it? Because Tsukki! _

_ It was pretty great though. I met up with a lot of familiar faces! The whole Karasuno team was there, as well as Nekoma.  _

_ Throughout their first dance as a married couple, I kind of left. I imagined what it would be like if…  _

_ If you were there.  _

_ I met up with Osamu Miya there, he was… Comforting.  _

_ Anyways, I miss you.  _

_ I used to imagine we’d end up like this, but it never happened, huh? _

_ Maybe it’ll happen in another life, right?  _

_ If it is then I’d travel to that lifetime in an instance.  _

_ -Keiji _

/—————/

* * *

  
Keiji and Osamu started meeting a bit more often. 

Whether it be plain hookups, dinners, or whenever they just needed a friend. 

Keiji definitely never expected that the other would slowly be catching feelings for him though. 

During one of their hook ups, he didn’t expect Osamu to confess. 

It was after one of their sessions. They were nuzzled close to each other, bodies touching and half asleep. 

“Hey Keiji?”

“Yeah, Samu?” 

“I have something to tell you.” Osamu takes a deep breath. “It could possibly destroy whatever relationship we have.”

“I don’t think-“

“Keiji I think I’m starting to have feelings for you.”

Keiji didn’t say anything except flinch in Osamu’s arms. 

“Look, I know you don’t like me and are not visibly stable to be in a relationship, You’re still getting over Bokuto, right?”

“Yeah.”

“If it’s okay with you then I’ll wait.” Osamu started to caress the smaller male’s arm. “You can say no if you wa-“

“Okay.”

“What did you say?”

“I said okay.” Keiji repeated. “But please don’t wait for me forever, if you do fall out of love then I will understand.”

“I doubt I would.”

/—————/

_ 5/8/2019 _

_ Osamu confessed to me today.  _

_ He said he likes me and I would be lying if I said I didn’t like him back even a little bit.  _

_ He understands though, I’m not ready for a relationship. He knows I’m still mending wounds from that day and says he’s willing to wait.  _

_ I don’t think I’d be able to let go though, 7 years of feelings don’t just disappear. You were my first love after all.  _

_ -Keiji _

/—————/

* * *

November 26. 

It used to be their anniversary. 

Keiji remembered this day like the back of his hand. 

Bokuto had placed a ripped piece of his math exam with the words “be my boyfriend?” In his locker. 

It was stupid using his math exam but nonetheless cute. It’s what made Keiji accept Bokuto. 

Keiji then took a post it out and wrote “meet me at the gym, boyfriend :)” in neat cursive before placing it in Bokuto’s locker. 

But well…

Things don’t last forever. 

Not all relationships are destined to last. 

Keiji cried that morning. He cried, clutching at the only thing that remained of Bokuto. 

A small owl plushie that Bokuto won for him at a crane game. 

“Why’d you have to go?” He yelled to no one. “Why’d you have to leave me?”

“Why didn’t I let you explain?” He punched the wall behind his bed, leaving a trail of red from Keiji’s knuckles. “Why couldn’t I just lower my pride for a bit!”

“Why couldn’t I show you I love you a lot more?”

He took out a paper and wrote his feelings onto it, watching as some of his blood dripped onto the white paper. 

/—————/

_ 11/26/2020 _

_ I hate it… _

_ I hate myself for not listening to you back then.  _

_ If I did then maybe you’d be here.  _

_ Maybe I wouldn’t have to be alone, maybe we would still be together. You wouldn't have to leave.  _

_ I don’t say it enough but I love you, I love you so much, I love you more than I do myself.  _

_ So why did it have to be you?  
  
_

_ -Keiji  _

/—————/

The letter was placed in an envelope but it didn’t seem to be enough. Keiji hesitated to put it in. 

It wasn’t putting out the message he wanted. 

On a little post it, Keiji took out a sharpie and wrote the words that echoed in his mind. 

“Why not me?”

He stuck it onto the envelope and placed both writings into the box.   
  


* * *

Months have passed since his previous meltdown and nothing has changed. Well, maybe except for the fact that he was fully aware that his feelings for Osamu grew. 

Keiji didn’t expect to fall for him. He knew Osamu liked him back but he felt like he didn’t deserve his feelings. 

The guilt for what happened to Bokuto still remained. 

It was his fault. 

It was all his fault. 

Bokuto would still be here if it weren’t for him. 

It’s his fault. 

It’s all his fault. 

Keiji brought out a sheet of paper and started writing down his feelings. 

  
  


/—————/

_ 10/28/2021  
  
_

_ Is it wrong to ask for closure? _

_ I know I have no right to be asking you this.  _

_ It’s my fault you’re gone after all.  _

_ Everyone tells me that it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t seem to believe it.  _

_ I have no right to be happy after what I’ve done.  _

_ If I would have just stuck around and listened then you wouldn’t have panicked, if I had answered all your calls then you would have no reason to come visit me.  _

_ If you didn’t walk to my house then maybe… maybe you wouldn’t have gotten hit by that drunk driver.  _

_ Maybe you’d be alive. _

/—————/

Tears continued to well up in his eyes, dripping onto the paper on his desk. 

Before he could finish the letter, his doorbell rang. 

“Hey Keiji! It’s me!”

He immediately wiped his tears and walked towards the direction of the door, leaving the unfinished letter on his desk. 

“Just a second!” Keiji looked at himself in the mirror, trying to diminish any signs of crying. 

It didn’t make a difference though. His eyes were red and puffy, his nose was red and his cheeks were flushed pink. 

He leaned towards the front door. 

“Hey, I think I won’t be able to come with you, something came up at work.”

“Well, let me help you then.” 

“Ah, it’s fine, don’t worry.” Keiji assures. When there was silence from the other side, Keiji thought Osamu got it but turns out it wasn’t the case. 

“Are you okay? You sound upset.”

“Yeah, it’s the work.” Keiji lied. 

“Keiji…”

Silence. 

“Open the door,”

Silence. 

“Please?”

Keiji opened the door and immediately hugged Osamu, crying. 

“Shit, Keiji? What’s wrong?”

“It was my fault.” Keiji sobbed, hugging the man in front of him tighter. “It’s my fault he’s gone. It’s my fault he’s dead.”

Osamu said nothing, instead, he walked inside Keiji’s flat and closed the door behind them. 

“If I had stopped and listened, if I had let him explain.” Keiji’s legs gave in and within seconds, he was on the floor. 

“Maybe what I saw wasn’t facts but an image I interpreted differently? I wouldn’t know, I didn’t let him explain.”

The room was silent, only the sobs of Keiji and the whirring of the air conditioner above them. 

Osamu kneels down so he is facing Keiji’s sobbing frame. 

“Keiji, no one blames you. We’ve told you that countless times.” Osamu held Keiji’s face in his hands. 

“But it is.”

“No it’s not, do you think Bokuto would want you like this? To be crying in your apartment 7 years after his death?”

He was right, Bokuto wouldn’t have wanted it. He hated seeing Keiji cry. 

But he was gone… 

“Keiji, Bokuto loves you, and wherever he is right now, it’s probably hurting him seeing you like this.”

He’s gone… 

“Please,” Osamu sighs, “if you can’t do it for me or your friends, at least do it for Bokuto, keep his memory with a smile on your face.”

Keiji looks down and slowly nods his head. 

It was for Bokuto after all.   


* * *

/—————/

_ 6/18/2022 _

_ Dear Bokuto,   
  
_

_ It’s been months since my last letter.  _

_ I’ve been trying to find myself and maybe…  _

_ Maybe I’m ready to forgive.  _

_ Maybe I’m ready to forgive myself.  _

_ If you were here then you’d definitely smile and hug me tightly. You never would’ve wanted me to blame myself didn’t you? _

_ You’re probably staring at me from wherever you are saying “oh my god, this dumbass is finally moving on!”  _

_ Osamu was a lot of help, he was with me through every step of the way, and I’m happy he was.  _

_ I don’t plan on stopping writing for you. Maybe I will write less often, however, I do plan to send them to the person I’ve been writing about.  _

_ Wherever you are right now, I hope my letter reaches you. _

_ -Akaashi Keiji  _

/—————/

This would probably be one of the last letters he would be writing. 

He needed closure. 

He needed to forgive. 

He needed to forget. 

He needed to move on. 

With one flick of his phone, he is calling a number that has been there for him every step of the way.   
  


* * *

The ride was longer than Keiji had imagined. It had taken almost an hour just to get there. 

“You sure you’re ready for this?” Osamu asks from the driver’s seat. 

“Definitely.” 

He’s been avoiding this place for so long, it was about time he faced reality. 

When he got out of the car, the sight of gravestones made Keiji’s heart churn. 

Sensing Keiji’s tense demeanor, he wrapped his hand around Keiji’s, stroking his palm with his thumb. 

“You’ll be fine.” Osamu brings his hand up to his lips and places a small kiss on Keiji’s knuckles. “I’ll stay here, you’d probably wanna get all personal with him and probably won’t feel comfortable saying it with me there.”

Keiji nodded. 

He grabbed an old, worn out box from the backseat. It was the same box filled with letters from the past 8 years, the same box which remained under Keiji’s bed. 

As he started to walk past the countless tombstones, the air seemed to have decreased tenfold. 

Keiji found it hard to breathe, probably because of the fear of finally seeing the truth with his own eyes. 

These graves all carried stories, stories of people’s lives, stories from their birth to death. It would show their love, hatred, grief, happiness, pain, and all their emotions up until their death. 

And Bokuto’s story was right in front of him. 

“Hey Bokuto, sorry if this is the first time I visit you in 8 years.” Keiji looks down. “I was so in denial, I kept telling myself that you aren’t gone, you’re just really mad at me and left.”

“You’re probably mad at how I took care of myself after you left, if you were here you’d definitely knock some sense into me.” He forced a smile on his face. 

“I kept doing all my usual routines with you, the mushrooms were left untouched, the bed remained open, my heart yearned for you.” Keiji was unconscious of the tears that fell from his eyes. 

“I never even got to hear your explanation. You left so suddenly I didn’t know how to react. If I knew I would’ve listened to what you had to say. I would’ve given you one last chance to speak if I knew those would be your last words to me.”

“I would have told you I love you more than I did, I would’ve given you extra hugs and kisses, I would have left you more notes.”

“But I can’t do that now… I might as well do what you’ve always done to me, right?” Keiji wiped his face, “I should take care of myself more.”

“I’ll eat full meals, I’ll get eight hours of sleep, I’ll stop overworking myself, and…”

“And I know you’d want to hear these words, this may be 8 years too long but.” Keiji nodded his head, as if the figure of Bokuto was speaking to him. “I’ve slightly forgiven myself.”

“I know you probably don’t blame me for what happened but even if the guilt isn’t as strong anymore, it’s still there. It’ll always be there. The little voice in my head that says ‘It was my fault’ will remain.”

“I hope one day, I’d be able to come back here, fully admitting that I’ve forgiven myself. Once that happens, I’ll come back, I can’t let you see me like this.”

He placed the box neatly beside the grave. 

“To show I love you,”

He took one look at the grave, Bokuto’s name, date of birth, and date of death written in black. 

“Even in the times I’m not here.”

**~ E N D ~**


End file.
